my life – Page 6 – 2nd Avenue

Be gentle with yourself

There are a couple situations that reliably bring on negative self-talk and increase the nasty thoughts I think about myself. A couple nights of disturbed sleep and the grey nastiness of the slushy weather outside have led to recurring thoughts that I don’t care enough about others and that I’m not nice enough, considerate enough, or loving enough; that I’m just overall not enough.

Days like this, I need a reminder that I am enough. I need a reminder that it’s okay to be gentle with myself. I need a reminder to treat myself like I would anyone I love.

I’d never accuse a loved one of being a terrible person for the same perceived sins I’m calling myself out for… not even in my head.

I am enough. And I will be gentle with myself first.

Be gentle first with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others.

~Lama Yeshe

An apple smoothie a day…

Hunger-busting smoothie and a couple apples

Yoga can wreak havoc with eating. Between not eating before doing yoga (ideally eating lightly two hours before practicing) and teaching classes that coincide with regular meal times, I often find myself starving, but not wanting to eat heavily.

Thankfully, smoothies and energy bars (I like Larabars best) are there to fill the gap and soothe my grumbly tummy 🙂

The only problem with smoothies is that they need a supplement like protein powder to up their nutritional and calorie content and I’ve yet to find one I like the taste of. I also lean towards vegan protein powders, which sometimes means that they taste even worse!

The un-check-list traveller

I am not a bucket-list kind of person. I do not have lists of things to do before I die, must-see vacation destinations, or challenges to tackle.

I like working towards accomplishments, but often find more satisfaction in the doing than in the completing. As I move farther from the A-typer I used to be, I’m happier being absorbed in a moment. Instead of thinking about what happens at the end, I’m learning to let myself be part of the process and stop devoting mental energy to stressing about what might/should/could happen next.

Most of the incredible and memorable moments in my life happen when I’m not looking for them. I don’t see the wonderfulness coming and couldn’t possibly plan for it.

Our recent vacation to London, Paris, and Munich was mostly without checklists. The things we really wanted to do (eat at Dinner by Heston Blumenthal in London, climb the Montmartre hill, drive the Autobahn), we didn’t need to write on a list to make sure they’d happen. We obviously needed to plan for the trip, but didn’t need to create false pressure to accomplish things while on vacation.

That’s my problem with bucket-lists: if something is that important, it’s going to get done regardless of being on a list and the list itself shifts emphasis to ticking off items rather than experiencing life and allowing the universe to unfold. Checking something off a bucket-list seems like getting a present that you specifically asked for; it’s nice, but somehow less special. I’d rather go list-free and collect experiences in a way that seems more like getting that perfect present you didn’t even know you wanted; the surprise makes it all the more delightful and special.

The most incredible parts of our trip were amazing experiences I didn’t see coming. Sitting on the grass drinking cider in Greenwich. Playing foosball at a pub in Finsbury Park. Sliding into a pew for mass at Sacré-Cœur in Paris, while my husband sat on the steps and got to see the astonishing synchronization of vendors in front of the basilica scooping up their goods as the police approached and settling back into hawking as soon as the cops left. Getting caught in a thunderstorm after dinner at a brasserie. Making French toast with Canadian maple syrup in Munich. Chatting in German with an incredibly nice church lady before lighting a candle for an ailing relative. Stumbling upon an excellent family-run Bavarian restaurant and finding the best beer of the trip on our last night.

None of these experiences would have made a bucket-list, but they were what made the trip really great. They were unforeseen and un-plan-able… which made them all the more wonderful!

The sad Mac saga

I’ve found good excuses for staying away from computers recently. The summer weather has been wonderfully condusive to being outdoors and my computer seemed to be forcibly pushing me away.

My computer craziness started with Chrome crashing, then Firefox got in on the act and soon no program would stay open… which led to kernel panics causing regular involuntary system reboots.

Many calls to Apple Support later (thank god for the Apple Care warranty!) led to to getting a replacement hard drive, but it still wasn’t quite business as usual.

In an attempt to prevent further system crashes, I wanted to upgrade my computer’s operating system. With a fresh hard drive and nothing on my computer, I thought it would be easy.

The latest version of Mac OS X would download with no problems… but would not install. More calls to Apple Support, many repeated downloads, and another full hard drive wipe followed.

Yesterday’s visit to the Apple Store seems to have fixed the problem (fingers crossed!) and now I’m just working through setting up my computer again. Transferring files over from the external hard drive, remembering all my user names and passwords, re-installing programs, and deciding on all those little settings.

After being soured all things computer, I’m going to have to learn to love them again… hopefully the weather keeps giving me a plausible excuse for not wanting to spend too much time at the keyboard!

The end of June celebrations

Today is the end of my birthday month, which I suppose means that I need to stop celebrating turning 33.

Turning 33 is a big deal for me, because I’ve kinda been 32 since I was 26. When I was in the corporate world and people would ask how old I was, I said 32 – settling on that as the age where others would stop thinking of me as ‘too young’ to do my job. Of course, these people were uncouth enough to ask my age, so maybe they were ‘too shallow’ for me to worry what they thought.

It’s easy to do a life assessment around birthdays and I enjoy thinking about how much I’ve changed in a year.

I turned 32 still working in the corporate world. Dealing with the fallout from overextending myself in a job that I didn’t like with an organization whose values don’t align with mine. Worried about myriad things beyond my control, but unable to restrain my A-type self enough to let go.

I turned 33 pursuing being a full-time yoga teacher. There’s a different kind of stress there (will students like my classes? how will I ever get paid enough to make this worth it?), but teaching through four fabulous studios (Bound Lotus, Vancouver Corporate, Body Harmony, and Om Prem – check my schedule for when and where I’m teaching) means interacting with wonderful students and sharing my enjoyment for teaching and practicing yoga.

33 feels like a year of moving forward. Who knows what turning 34 will be like? I am getting better at letting life evolve and find myself hearing the words of a former prof from library school….

All will be revealed in the fullness of time.

Trifling aesthetics

Stubbly armpits, mis-matched socks, chipped toenail polish, discordant top & bottoms, scaly heels, unshaven legs… all things that as a yoga student make me self-conscious; all things that as a yoga teacher I don’t notice about students.

It hardly even registers if the leg I’m adjusting is in-between waxes or if there’s a blinding clash between pieces of clothing – and I certainly don’t think that anyone takes their practice less seriously or is less committed when I do notice these supposed faux pas! (Side note… is there a plural to ‘faux pas?’)

I suspect most yoga teachers are the same and care more that students are practicing, than whether they look like they stepped out of a Lululemon ad. Good teachers will be checking if students are engaging the right muscles and not endangering their joints, rather than critiquing personal grooming or clothing choice.

As long as a student’s basic hygiene is okay and their clothing isn’t insanely revealing (even teachers can get distracted by nip slips) or constricting, anything goes. Don’t feel bad about coming to a yoga class wearing hole-y sweatpants or with Julia-Roberts-inspired armpits … just get to practice!

And don’t let a sweat-marked shirt make you feel awkward stretching your arms above your head. Odd are good that the teacher won’t even notice and other students are likely more too focused on their own practice (or their own sweaty armpits) to notice what’s going on with you.

These things are just trifling aesthetics… although that doesn’t mean I haven’t allowed my own less-than-smooth armpits to keep me from fully coming into a pose. I’m still a student after all 🙂

Anti-negativity muffins

Yesterday afternoon I was feeling a bit low and struggling to combat negative thoughts. Needing to raise my spirits before teaching yin yoga at Bound Lotus in the evening, I decided to bake a batch of muffins.

Baking generally distracts me from whatever’s swirling around my brain, but I needed a little something extra to clear those negative thoughts. Cue the Gobinday Mukunday mantra, perfect for overcoming negativity. With SatKirin Kaur Khalsa chanting in the background I stirred my way to more positive thoughts and a dozen muffins.

Listening to meditative music while baking, cooking, or doing dishes is wonderful. I can’t help but start chanting along and it turns into a quasi-meditation as my mind starts to clear.